Foundations of a Strong Marriage
Before we go any further, let me make a few things clear:
It could easily be argued that I am not a qualified person to be teaching on this topic. What do I know? I’ve only ever had one wife (hahaha). We’ve only been married 8ish years. We both come from loving families who supported us as we grew up and endeavoured life on our own. My experience is very limited by a lot of standards.
So, I’ve decided against trying to convince you why I’m worth listening to. Only you can decide if you care enough to trust my opinion, but everything I tell you is true from what I know, and what I’ve seen in the marriages (and divorces) of many around me.
I also want to draw attention to one of my really good friends who is a couples’ therapist, and he writes a weekly blog that is worth its weight in gold. It’s also free, so if you know what’s good for you, you’ll check it out and go diving into his archive for tons of incredible, free (to you) marriage advice from someone who does know better than me. (The man has like 3 masters degrees and a wife and kids, so buy one of his books if you learn something of value.) A lot of the things I’ve learned around compromise and conflict resolution are from things he’s taught me.
I’m not interested in your hate mail if you disagree with anything I’m saying below, so just close the browser tab and don’t come back if something here ruffles your feathers. I mean that in the nicest way possible, but I do mean it.
Christian Worldview Incoming
The last thing you might want to know about me before reading this—if you don’t already know—I am a proud Christian and so is my wife Leanne. Our faith in Jesus has a monumental impact on the way we see the world (we’d say it is the way we see the world). If you have strong aversions to that, this may not be the blog for you. I’m not going to use Biblical passages as justifications for everything on my list, but it would be silly to think you won’t find Christian themes throughout this post. Do with all of that what you will. Personally, I don’t think I’m beating anyone over the head with anything here, but your sensitivity may say otherwise. I don’t know. But you’ve been forewarned.
Alright. Let’s actually begin talking about what I believe to be the foundation of a strong marriage.
Compatibility as a Couple
Well, the first part of getting married is finding a spouse! How do you know someone’s worth of marrying? I mean, I can’t really answer that. There are plenty of Biblical definitions for it but the reality is: we are all flawed in everything we do. There is no perfect spouse. And neither Leanne nor I really believe in the concept of a soulmate or The One for anyone. That’s just not really how it works, and I actually think it’s probably dangerous to enter a marriage thinking it is. You don’t find the perfect spouse, you choose and re-choose and re-choose that same spouse over and over throughout the course of your lives.
Even after figuring that out though, it absolutely does make sense to vet the person you’re considering marrying. Not in the form of ranking someone like they’re a math exam, but in the sense of, “Logically, on paper, does it make sense for us to get married in the first place?”
Here are some questions to ask to determine if you two are compatible.
Are we friends?
Outside of all the butterflies and hormones, do you get along? Are your personalities similar or complimentary? Could you hang out for hours in a coffee shop and enjoy each other’s company? Could you stand a long car ride together with no radio or podcasts? Can you come to a compromise fairly quickly and easily on something? Hate to break it to you, but marriage is a lot of long conversations and car rides and decision making. If you can’t do any of those things with ease, red flags should be waving in your head right now.
Do we align on life milestones like kids, careers, where we’ll live?
If you want four kids and your (potential) spouse wants zero, you should really reconsider marrying that person—no matter how sexy or mature or otherwise perfect they are. If you disagree on some of these major life milestones, then someone’s going to have to compromise in a really big way, and even if you both compromise partway, that’s still not a great foot to start off on. You might be able to find a partner with whom you are farther ahead with from the very beginning. Don’t assume that someone who’s kind of a right fit for you makes you, “One of those couples who just has to work a little harder than most.” It doesn’t always have to be like that. In fact, I’d argue it rarely does.
What makes us each happy?
Is it travelling the world? Staying home and getting drunk with your friends? Conquering the business world? Living a quiet life? A lot of these start to hit on your life priorities and your core personalities that aren’t easily changed. If you two have two wildly different ideas of what makes you happy, it’s definitely not that you can’t learn to love something about the other’s happiness, but entering a marriage with too much necessary change on the horizon can be a recipe for disaster. Opposites attract only for so long before you start repelling again.
Do we share the same worldview and/or faith?
Maybe I’m biased, but your worldview and faith are pretty intensely important elements of your life. I’ve heard of people of mixed religions marrying, but to me it just sounds like such an awful idea. The deeper connection Leanne and I feel because we share the same faith brings us insanely closer together as a couple. I just think you’re going to lose so much of what makes a marriage incredible if you compromise in this way. I don’t think religion or worldviews are one of those, “We’re better because we stretch each other to see the other’s point of view” type of situations. I think you’re going to hate each other and part ways pretty quickly.
Is divorce an option?
This is, perhaps, the most important question to ask upfront. If things start to go sour, can you just get divorced and move on?
I’m going to make a really big argument that might be considered a hot take to some people.
Do not get married if you believe divorce is an option.
Even outside of my Christian worldview, I just think this is such a horrifically stupid approach to take to any marriage.
Knowing divorce is your exit strategy if one of you gets bored or unhappy just makes you so much more likely to actually end up unhappy and bored and divorced.
When you commit to seeing your marriage through—come hell or high water—you work harder to build a foundation that is going to last.
Now now now, let me be clear, there are a handful of situations where (Biblically) divorce is permitted, but the Bible has a lot to say about remarriage and so on that most people don’t like. I’m not going to get into specifics, but if you’re a Christian on the cusp of marriage, I implore you to really do your homework and recognize what a serious commitment you’re about to make if you’ve had a lighthearted approach so far. It’s a huge deal.
That being said, if you’ve done your homework and you know what you’re signing up for: incredible! Marriage is an amazing gift and I am excited for your future.
What I believe to be a universal truth:
Marriage is a big deal. it is not to be entered into lightly. It is to be deeply, openly, consciously considered. It is to be scrutinized, and determined a pass or fail. It is to be committed to with your life—not once, but every single day. If you are willing to do that, read on. If you’re not ready to do that, the rest of this article won’t serve you.
Let me say that last part again: if you are not willing to commit to marriage with all of your heart and soul—both of you—the rest of this advice-giving is null and void. I really mean it. Nothing below can save your marriage if you haven’t committed entirely to the notion of it.
I hope you’re starting to sense how seriously I take marriage, and I believe you must in order to succeed at it.
Assuming you’ve bypassed every opportunity I just gave you to back out, let’s continue and talk about what actually comprises the foundation of a strong marriage!
A Word About Priorities
Am I advising you take every bit of information shared here as gospel truth and directly apply it to your own life? Of course not. We’re constantly learning. This list of things is by no means exhaustive. It’s taken us nearly 8 years to get here, and I’m sure in 8 more years I’d be able to tack a whole bunch on that I’m missing today.
But one of the most important things, if you do decide to apply any of this to your own life, is recognizing that adopting any of these principles will necessitate a re-evaluation of your priorities.
You cannot have a strong marriage without giving up the things that make it weak.
That is to say: you cannot build a home with both good bricks and crumbling bricks. The crumbling bricks will eventually be the symphony of a catastrophe as the house comes crumbling down.
This may involve giving up relationships with (who are currently) good friends. It may involve giving up what you’re comfortable doing. It may involve learning to do things that are, at first, unnatural to you.
Is it always easy? No. But no one promised marriage would be easy (and if you’ve entered one thinking it would be, you were misled).
Is it always worth it? Absolutely.
If you aren’t willing to give something up for the strong marriage you hope to obtain, it’s just not going to work out, and reading this is a waste of your time. So we’re going to assume that you’re at least willing to entertain the idea of giving up something in order to trade it in for what’s much, much better.
Read on, friends.
The Foundation of a Strong Marriage
Many of these principles below are simple in theory but very difficult in execution. Do not lose hope. No matter how much effort it requires, continue trying. It will get better if you’re both committed.
Leanne and I have discussed these items below thoroughly before we present them to you, however there’s a very good likelihood this list is not exhaustive. The importance of each item will vary depending on who you are as a couple, and what comes most naturally to you. Consider them all equally at first, and prioritize the ones you suck at the most. This is how you’ll find the most success.
We believe each one of these things is essential to a strong marriage. Are they all equally weighted? No; definitely not. But we’re fairly confident in saying that each one should be visible in your marriage in some shape or form.
Here we go!
1. A daily recommitment to your spouse
In the beginning of your marriage—or at least certainly in the beginning of your dating—the word “love” tends to refer to bubbly emotions that stem out of a small sense of infatuation you might have with the person who is now your spouse. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s important to recognize that this is probably more of a feeling than a choice.
When you commit to marrying someone, you make the decision to say your love will be more than just a feeling: it will be a choice. Sometimes it is a very conscious choice that you make to stay with your spouse, and to work with them through the nonsense of life, because that is what you said you would do, and you ought to do it. Thankfully, if you choose properly, the times when choosing to love your spouse is a battle within yourself and a commitment to your spouse (void of feeling) should be very few and far between.
What’s important to realize is that, as time goes on, the way you love each other (thus the way you feel about each other) may change. That’s okay. But it’s vital to recognize that this marriage is a commitment, and every single day you ought to turn away from your independent nature (me first, I do what I want) and instead turn into your covenant nature (serving your spouse, and staying committed to them).
Marriages end in divorce because one or both partners slowly begin committing less and less to their marriage and start committing back to their independent ways. If you sense that you have started doing this, address it as soon as possible. Get help if you need to. But don’t let it go on.
You made a promise to your spouse (at the altar where you married them if not long before then) to be theirs until death. Be a person of your word.
2. Arguing & apologizing like adults
Don’t worry: not all of my foundations are as heavy as the last one. But we have a ways to go yet.
Learning how to argue and apologize like an adult is one of the first really incredible things Leanne taught me how to do during our dating days.
I didn’t know that you could argue with someone you love, figure out what went wrong, apologize, ask, “Are you cool? Anything else to say?”, answer “Nope. I’m good.” sincerely, and then ask, “Ok. What do you wanna do for dinner?”.
It blew my mind.
That entire article is really, really worth of being read all on its own, I do so believe. It goes far beyond marriage or spouses. I think most of the world does not know how to argue or apologize like an adult, and we’d all be better off if we did. Please check that out when you’re done reading my thesis here.
I’ve never found it admirable when a couple brags, “We never fight.” My internal thought process is always something like, “Uhhh… well, you will, if you actually haven’t yet. Better learn how to do it properly.”
This is a non-negotiable. Can’t go through life—or at least certainly not a marriage—without figuring out this essential skill. Learn it as quickly as possible for best results.
3. Constant communication—especially about the bad
I don’t think anyone can disagree that your marriage will endure some hardships. Unless your marriage only lasts a week before one of you is tragically and suddenly killed in a freak accident (which, then, it’s only one of you who has to endure the hardship), you will come across sore spots and things you’ve buried in your life, and be forced to wade through them.
All of your best and worst traits are amplified in a marriage. Prepare to have to work on yourself if you want your spouse to do the same at any point.
It’s imperative that you find your rhythms of communication early, and keep at them constantly. This is a marital skill that needs constant upkeep, but if you do the hard work early to set good standards and practices, that upkeep is generally easier because you’re equipped to try to deal with it already.
More than just general communication about how you’re doing (personally, as a couple, or anything beyond that), you need to take special care to talk about the things that are not working well in your marriage.
Doing this respectfully and lovingly is very difficult. It is inevitable that you will hurt each other, even after years or decades of being together. Sharing your life with someone in marriage allows them to have your heart at knifepoint: you just have trust they’re not going to abuse that power. If you’ve chosen right, they never will (or at least never will beyond repair. You are marrying a fallible human, after all).
Communication about the things that are bad is going to involve a lot of your mental willpower to discuss. It is hard to (at times) psyche yourself up to have a bad night when you know you need to get something off your plate. I’ve done it many times (also because I’m arguably the more emotional one most days, but moving on).
Talk constantly. I know of no other way. Do not marry someone who won’t ever open up to you. Or if you do, you’re going to need more than my blog to get you through it. I have absolutely no clue in the world how to have a good marriage with someone you can’t speak to openly about deeply personal stuff.
4. Regular Appreciation
I have a lot of theories on humanity and appreciation, but I’ll try to keep my discussion of those theories focused on the context of marriage and friendship right here.
The whole “love languages” thing I find a bit silly, but I’ll give credit that (for many couples) it can be a great tool to better understand your spouse and how to show them your appreciation and love. So if you use them: power to you. I won’t make much fun of you.
Whether you use that system or another, it’s imperative that you find a way to show your spouse appreciation in a manner that hits them right in the feels—that they feel deep down in their soul.
It’s also really important to understand that we gravitate towards demonstrating the love language we most desire to receive, but that does not mean it is the method our spouse would most like to receive. So keep your eyes / ears / heart open to whatever it is that means the world to your spouse, and do that.
Your spouse will do a lot of big things worthy of being appreciated, but they will also do a lot of small things that are easy to overlook: washing the dishes after the kids go to bed; always taking the trash out before garbage day; taking the kids to get their vaccinations; always taking the car to the mechanic; making sure all of your bills are paid on time; digging your car out of the driveway after a blizzard.
These are things that are worthy of being appreciated, and you cannot let too many of them go in a row or your spouse will feel under-appreciated and their desire to continue contributing will nosedive.
5. Prioritizing Sex
Sex is a lot of fun and one of the most intimate ways to connect as a couple. There’s a reason why it’s such a huge part of literally every element of our culture. And while I could write an entire book on this section alone (in fact, millions of people before me have), I’ll try to summarize some of my biggest takeaways about sex below.
First is making time for it. It’s way too easy to be too tired after the kids go to bed and sluff it off night after night after night. This isn’t healthy. Force yourselves (lol) to have sex if you need to. A lot more is going on besides just the physical ecstasy of orgasm. You’re bonding as a couple in a way that is inexplicable and unachievable any other way. Make time for it. It is important.
Second is to try new stuff together. The longer you’re married, the better sex should get. I mean, technically, there might be a finite number of things that you can do sexually, but find ways to explore your sex life and spice things up. Don’t just do the same old things in the same old place at the same old time. Buy new toys. Read sex blogs together. Buy a positions book. Ask your friends for new ideas. Role play. Whatever it takes to try something new. I don’t advocate for watching porn, but that’s a whole separate discussion I don’t have time to get into right now.
Third is knowing what your partner likes, and providing that to them regularly. They like a certain form of sex? Or a certain location? A certain time of day? A certain outfit? A certain kind of dirty talk? Learn what they like and provide them with it. They ought to do the same.
Fourth is to de-brief after sex. What worked that time? What didn’t? What was super hot that you didn’t expect? Not every little aspect needs to be discussed after, but you might find a quicker route to incredible sex if you’re willing to talk about it a little bit. Stop being so shy. They’ve seen you naked.
Fifth is to laugh. Things go wrong during sex. You’ll break the couch legs right off, your kids will walk in, one of you cannot get physically aroused enough to participate, you completely misread each other, one of you falls off the bed, someone’s alarm goes off, your upstairs neighbour starts cheering you on. Sex is serious but it’s also very not serious. Enjoy it.
Sex is physical activity, it’s pleasure, it’s connection, it’s hilarious, it’s therapy. There are too many benefits to doing it that it should never really slip away as a non-priority. Of course, like all things, there are seasons for it. First few weeks or months after having a baby is probably not going to be prime hanky-panky time. But the baby-making part of the equation hopefully helped balance that out at least a little bit. Be reasonable with each other, but always come back to it.
6. Seasons of pressure
I don’t really know how to summarize this as a “tip” or a “buyer beware”, but I feel strongly enough about it that I’ll shoehorn it into here anyways.
In our experience, your marriage (over the course of time) is going to endure different seasons of pressure. For Leanne and I as former wedding photographers, that looked like wedding season every year. At some point in every season, I’d have something like 12 weddings in 12 weeks; not even including the 10 new engagement sessions and 5 or so family sessions I’d also have to squeeze in in the same time window. It sucked. I dreaded it, and it was probably why I loved Christmas so much (it was the light at the end of the tunnel).
Those weeks of time involved a lot of late nights and early mornings full of work. Earning our living.
It was imperative that Leanne and I prepared for these seasons as best we could, and that we recognized these seasons of pressure were going to be temporary.
What it really meant though, was taking turns stepping up to the plate when it came to the everyday things of life: washing the dishes, cleaning and folding laundry, buying groceries, taking out the trash, walking the dog, cleaning the house. Things that usually fell onto my shoulders might need to be picked up by Leanne for a little while.
But then we’d get out of that season and life would return to normal! And after a time, we’d probably enter another season of pressure, like any time Leanne has been pregnant. Pregnancy is particularly hard on Leanne’s body, so it means she feels like she’s been hit by a truck for weeks or months at a time. In those seasons, it’s up to me to put the kids to bed, wash more dishes, wash more laundry, vacuum the house, you name it.
Our seasons of pressure are unique to us, and yours will be unique to you. But know this above all: seasons of pressure will arise. Learn to let your “job title” in your marriage be a fluid thing at times. You will both be much better for it.
7. Continue dating
Let’s assume you’re going to follow the (semi-?) traditional route and have kids sometime after getting married. Fast forward 18-26 years now. You’re empty nesters. No more kids live at home.
You’re going to be alone again—like you were for a short time (in relativity) to before you had kids. How do you know you’re still going to like each other and want to remain married?
You have to continue dating while you’re married in order to accomplish this. You’ll go through seasons where it’s easier than others (the first year after having a baby is not an easy time to date, but it can be done). But if you don’t want to split up as soon as your kids go out on their own, you need to prioritize spending alone time together throughout your years of growing a family to ensure you still get along.
Heck, even if you aren’t going to have kids, I still know couples that gradually stop dating each other. They have their own interests and hobbies that they don’t participate in mutually. You continue growing apart and after a while, you may not even recognize your spouse.
I’m not at all saying you need to have the same hobbies (we definitely don’t), but it’s important that you find a way to spend time together enjoying something. Could be a comedy club, movie theatre, hiking, vacationing, reading while laying next to each other in bed, playing musical instruments, escape rooms: it really doesn’t matter.
The point is there are plenty of ways to enjoy spending time together while only having loosely similar interests. Prioritize these if you want to have a happy marriage.
If you do nothing other than going out for dinner and dessert once a month—without the kids—this is already a great start. Keep it up. Prioritize it. It matters.
8. Regular verbal affirmations
This one is a little bit different than Regular Appreciation because appreciation largely has to do with responding to things your partner physically does: taking out the trash, taking the car in for an oil change, paying the bills, folding the laundry. But affirmation deals with a person’s character and personality outside of what they do as a contribution to your marriage.
I’m going to argue that even the most rugged, emotionally void, independent person needs—or, at the very least, can benefit from—regular verbal affirmations from you. You decide what “regular” means in your context, but I’d say that if you found a way to affirm your spouse once every 2 weeks, that would be 26 times a year, and that’s not a bad pace if you ask me.
Affirming your spouse can look like complimenting and encouraging them about many different aspects of their life. A short, incomplete list might look like:
Affirming their current job as meaningful either to the world, your society, or just your household
Affirming their character as something you’re proud of and inspired by
Affirming their contribution to your marriage, and the role they take on in it
Affirming their dreams and hopes, and everything they’re doing to get to them
Affirming their hobbies and interests in the way they contribute to making your spouse unique
Affirming their way of thinking, and their views on things, as being beneficial to your life
Affirming their direction and any obstacles they’ve overcome to get here today
In simpler terms, this one is about giving your spouse a giant thumbs up and encouraging them to keep doing what they’re doing that is more connected to their bigger goals in life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the monotony of daily life and the little things that pile up. It’s incredibly reassuring and empowering to have your spouse remind you that what you’re doing has meaning and purpose, and you’re on the right path.
9. Supporting each other’s hobbies
Something we’ve learned in almost 8 years of marriage: the person you’re married to 2 years from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now is not going to be the same person you are married to today, or were 2 years ago, or 5 years ago, or 10 years ago.
People change. We all do! You are changing, and have changed.
If you do it right, you’re changing in ways that are better. But also sometimes, you’re just changing in ways that are different.
You’re going to adopt and shed hobbies and interests over the course of time. 2 of the biggest ones in our marriage:
When we got married, I hated sports of all kinds. I’d rather take a nap than watch a game of any kind, and I hate napping (generally speaking). As of today, I’ve been a pretty serious Hamilton Tiger-Cats fan for 7 years and pretty serious Toronto Blue Jays fan for 5. I now want to visit every MLB park across North America (currently at 5/30).
When we got married, Leanne hated reading with a passion. She was all about binging Netflix series and watching movies. As of today, Leanne’s read over 500 novels and would choose to read over book over watching most anything on the internet. She’s building a physical library of her favourite books in paperback, and currently has 50+ books taking up space in my office (ha!).
How did each of these hobbies come about?
We gave each other the room to explore more of our interests and to allow them to develop. It’s gradual, and before you know it, you’ve really become someone different.
It’s been great the ways we’ve been able to invest in each other’s hobbies:
Visiting all the MLB parks was something Leanne made a family goal, and when we were road-tripping along the West Coast of the US, we prioritized seeing the Los Angeles Dodgers and Los Angeles Angels games. Fenway Park in Boston was also one of the biggest things we wanted to accomplish when we drove east to visit our best friend Kaila (which we did).
Leanne read a book on our West Coast trip and thought she might want to try another. I bought her a Kindle (semi on a whim, expecting it to remain untouched shortly thereafter) and she fell into reading headfirst. The paperbacks she’s collected are (often) small gifts I buy her in place of flowers, so their acquisition has become a joint venture. I also frequently ask about what she’s reading so she has someone to geek out with; even though I have no intention of reading her books.
You get the point.
You don’t have to share your spouse’s hobby in order to relate to or encourage them in it (As I said, I have never read one of her novels and… don’t plan to). But it’s important to give them space to be their own person and have fun doing things they… have fun doing lol. If you can find ways to bring that hobby to life in even more meaningful ways, you’re going to deepen your connection as a couple, demonstrate the value you see in their hobby and independence, and make them happier in the process.
10. Protection against failure opportunities
Adultery has to be one of the most traumatizing experiences for a marriage to go through. Most don’t survive it (and probably for good reason). Adultery is one of the very few permissible reasons the Bible gives for divorce (although it has a lot to say about remarriage that isn’t popular today… but that’s a conversation for another day).
But, before we go on: I want to say that I personally know, and know of, many marriages that have survived infidelity, and that is large a testament to God’s miraculous healing and the re-dedication of a couple to each other. It is an incredible thing to witness. Just know that it is possible. Don’t assume that someone cheating on someone means everything is over. It can be fixed: it’s just a long journey to get there.
Anyways, getting back on track here.
Before adultery can ever become a serious risk in your marriage, you’re better off to set boundaries as far in advance as you can. How far? From the very onset. And where do you place those boundaries? That’s the million dollar question.
We know one thing: marriages that experience infidelity clearly had their boundaries against failure opportunities set too close to the failure (hence, you know, it happening). Is that fair to say? So shouldn’t we, who want to have a marriage free of adultery, do the polar opposite and set our guardrail as far away from the point of failure as possible?
Seems logical to me. But here is the point I’m trying to make before I actually dive in.
Setting proper boundaries to guard against failure opportunities will seem overly cautious to anyone on the outside.
Don’t let that faze you. After all, it is your marriage. You call the shots. That’s why you also don’t have to take my advice. But I’m telling you it’s worked for us, and I’ve done enough thinking about it to at least give you a head start on the conversation in your head.
I’m just going to reiterate the point in bold because, if you can’t get on board with that idea, this section will be meaningless to you, and that would be a real shame.
In order to protect your marriage, you should strongly consider setting boundaries that would seem extreme to the average person. Why? Because we aren’t worried about protecting the average person: we’re worried about protecting our spouse.
And all of the adultery stuff aside, here’s what I need you to realize: adultery is by no means the only thing you should be guarding your marriage against. Boredom. Lack of attraction. A dead bedroom. Emotional cheating. Poor communication. Addiction. Gambling. Not all of these are exclusive to marriage, but they can certainly derail one.
This is why prioritizing things like dating, verbal affirmations, arguing and apologizing like adults, are all so important in this gigantic blog. I’ve given in-depth ways to protect against or enact those, so here are a few of my biggest tips about protecting against infidelity that you and your spouse should seriously consider employing:
No close relationships with anyone of the opposite sex - Sorry, in my opinion, you give this up when you enter a longterm relationship. I am of the mentality that men and women can only be truly friends to a point, and after that it very quickly crosses into affectionate territory which naturally leads to emotional attachment and eventually physical expression. By distancing yourself from close relationships with people of the opposite sex, you demonstrate to your spouse they are more important to you than the other people in your life. You also demonstrate to the other people in your life that your spouse is your first priority.
Open communication about unavoidable opposite sex relationships - The vast majority of the coworkers I interact with on a daily basis are the opposite sex of me. The ways this is not an issue in my marriage are the openness about which I communicate those relationships. I have no password on my phone (check that: I actually do now because it’s a work phone, but Leanne knows the passcode to it) and my laptop and iPad are fair game for Leanne to go through at any time. Not only that (which I think is already a gigantic reassurance of my faithfulness, because anyone dumb enough to cheat is dumb enough to use at least one of those 3 devices to make it happen), but we regularly talk about anyone of the opposite sex we have relationships with that can’t be avoided.
We don’t spend time alone with anyone of the opposite sex - This one was taken right from Rick Warren, who advises that their church’s deacons/elders cannot even be alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex, or go out to lunch solo with someone of the opposite sex (who isn’t their spouse or a family member). His justification is simple: no one (in a leadership position) should be able to have even the slightest hint of a question of their character hold any validity. I personally believe: Why stop at deacons and elders? I don’t have to be one of those to decide that I want no one to have the ability to question my faithfulness to my wife because I never participate in anything that could even vaguely be construed as questionable behaviour. In the circumstances where a car ride alone or lunch out cannot be avoided (which has happened single-digit number of times), Leanne and I will always communicate with each other, “Hey, X person drove me home today just so you know.” It’s a simple check-in that immediately removes fear of anything else. Honest people don’t have a problem checking in. One of the simplest ways to avoid alone-time with someone without having to go into a lengthy explanation to explain your stance is to do this: simply invite more people to join. Or just arrange an alternative mode of transportation. This one is really not too difficult to get around.
We share the locations on our phones at all times - Okay I want to clarify: this one is done out of 90% convenience and 10% openness in our marriage (maybe even 95%/5%), but it’s a thing that blows peoples minds every time it comes up in conversation. With iMessage on iPhones, you can choose to “Share my location indefinitely” with someone else with an iPhone. Leanne and I have been doing this for years, which is really useful in situations where we need to check up on each other’s location for a ride or on the way home from work when making dinner or whatever. The biggest perk is not needing the other person to text and drive. But because we don’t cheat on each other, location sharing not a scary thing to us. People seem alarmed when I suggest they do it, and I just have to laugh when they scoff or have their heads explode. What have I got to hide from my wife? Nothing. She is always able to see my location as a result. Whoopty do.
We hide nothing from each other - Emails are fair game, photo albums are fair game, iMessage is fair game, social media profiles are fair game. Bank accounts are joint. Out of convenience, we are logged into each other’s accounts on various devices within our household, and there’s never any concern about that (or nerves) because… what does either one of us have to hide? I’m not saying you need to share a Facebook account (like some people used to do back in the day), but I think there’s a lot of reasons why you should be open about these things with each other, and not a lot of great reasons why you shouldn’t be.
These are just the big 5, but you get the idea.
In my opinion, it’s a giant red flag if your spouse is overly protective about sharing any of this stuff with you. I don’t subscribe to the “If you have nothing to hide, make everything public” philosophy for every aspect of life. But in a marriage? I am all-in on it, and question you if you’re not.
11. Seek help when struggling
If you can argue and apologize like adults, you are likely well on your way to being able to sort through the vast majority of the problems that you may encounter in your marriage.
But it’s vital that you two know when to say, “Hey. This issue is so big and complex that we can’t seem to solve it on our own. We need a professional to help us.” And one of the few things I think society is actually getting right these days is the destigmatization of getting help when you need it.
There was a period (early on) in our marriage when Leanne and I realized exactly what I mentioned in the last paragraph: we had something happening to our marriage that we couldn’t get eye-to-eye on. Realistically, we both needed someone to help us see the other person’s viewpoint better, and seeking out a marriage counsellor was game-changing.
To this day, I can still remember many of the things we talked about (years ago now) and how those discussions with our therapist equipped us with some of the tools we’d need to overcome our obstacle.
Well, overcome isn’t exactly the right word. It’s been our experience that in a marriage, there may be some things that go on in your lives that you will constantly have to deal with. It might come in waves and seasons, but some things that you know will always need attention. The original reason we sought out counselling is one of those always-present things for us, but it certainly doesn’t mean that therapy couldn’t help. It did—significantly.
Being able to seek help when you’re struggling is an indication that you are—at least in practice, if not in belief—against the notion of divorce (which, as you know, I strongly advised much earlier in this blog). This is great, because in a society where we tend to treat things with a disposable attitude, your marriage is absolutely not something you ought to ever treat like it’s disposable.
Here are 3 of the biggest things I’d advise about seeking out a marriage counsellor or therapist:
Get Help Immediately - It’s important to seek help as a couple as soon as there’s an indication that you can’t overcome something on your own. Don’t let it fester and build up into this bigger-than-it-needs-to-be thing. You will know in your gut when you feel we need help, and you owe it to your spouse to acknowledge it immediately.
Do it Together - In a marriage, there’s rarely such a thing as my problem or your problem. As a married couple, you’ve volunteered yourself to take on each other’s burdens. Do not send your spouse (or yourself) to deal with an issue without also attending. If nothing else, your spouse needs your support, but chances are you will be able to learn a lot in the process as well. If it’s an issue in your marriage, it needs to be taken on by your marriage.
Find A Therapist You Love - Not literally, of course, but one that you both jive with. Leanne and I were lucky that the first person we tried was a great fit, but this is not always true. If after 3 sessions you still feel like things just aren’t feeling right, respectfully ask for a referral to another professional. Any true professional will not be offended by this and will likely have already sensed this was coming. It will sometimes take a few therapists to find one that can challenge and affirm you (both) at the same time. However, of course, do not just look for an affirmer. You need to be challenged in order to get out of whatever situation you’re in.
Therapists have saved marriages that had no businesses being saved. Do not think you are past the point of redemption—ever. If you are both willing to try, I believe you can do almost anything.
12. A lack of belief in divorce
I’ve already spoken about this at length in the beginning of this blog, so I’m only really reiterating it here in case this blog ever gets shared in pieces and the context is missing.
Do not get married if you believe in divorce. If separating is an option to you, what you’re (essentially) doing is test-driving your spouse. You’re committing to very little, and marriages are entirely about commitment. Love will eventually become not a feeling, but a choice. A choice you make every day. If you can’t start making that choice before you get married, you are far too immature, and have a wrong perception of marriage to begin with, to start a marriage.
I could go on, but I already have (scroll up and re-read if you must). Divorce is not an option when you’re getting married, or else just live in common-law and don’t bother getting married. You are as foolish as you’re trying not to be.
13. Impress only your spouse
One of the things that confuses me more than anything in the world is when married celebrities make big announcements about their sexual orientation after years of being married.
Who cares?
The only attraction you ought to be celebrating, and the only attraction you ought to be soliciting, is that of your spouse. Anyone else is besides the point.
Am I saying, “Get married and never be attracted to another person again”? No. That’s not how attraction works. But what I am saying is talking about it, publicizing it, openly and frequently talking about it, celebrating it: it is entirely missing the point.
One of the most obvious ways you see people fail to remember, “It is only my spouse I ought to impress” is people who (even after getting married) are absolutely obsessed with the perception of their marriage / life / body image / wealth / etc. If you can’t leave the house without makeup—even though your husband lives with you and has been in the bathroom while you’re doing a #2—then you’ve got some priorities way out of whack.
Am I saying you should be ok to make a trip to Walmart in your PJs after you get married? Not at all (although, tell the truth, that won’t stop some of you). But doing things because your spouse finds them attractive should be your #1 priority in both dating and marriage. So if you want to get shredded and tanned, go for it: as long as it’s what your spouse finds sexy. If they’re turned off by it, don’t bother.
14. Serve your spouse with reckless abandon
This one is going closer to the end here because every other item on this list is pretty much a reiteration of this very idea; so if it hasn’t been obvious by now, this is one of your last chances to catch the train before we pull out of the station.
In everything you do, serve your spouse with all your heart.
This is a key theme of Ephesians 5 in the Bible (although it is also an allegory for following Jesus) and it’s the only way I know of to properly structure your marriage.
You must both be willing to lay yourselves down for the better of your spouse at every opportunity. This does not mean giving up your personality, or what makes you unique, or what initially attracted your spouse to you in the first place, because that would defeat the entire purpose.
But it does mean finding ways to brighten their day after a terrible day at work. It means getting up with them in the middle of the night with your newborn baby. It means cooking dinner for them every night of the week. It means taking on the house chores they hate most. It means remembering to put your shoes away when you come home because they hate them strewn about the living room. It means listening to them talk about their hobby for hours on end. It means letting them pick the Spotify playlist in the car. It means committing to losing that weight you’ve always talked about.
In every opportunity you choose to serve your spouse, you create a stronger foundation for your marriage. And the most beautiful part of serving your spouse?
They are doing the same thing right back to you. So all of your shortcomings, the things you hate doing, the excitement you just need to share with someone, the pick-me-up you need after a crap day in the office: they’ve got it covered.
If you do it right, the service you receive from your spouse should inspire you to serve them that much more. If this is true for both of you, you create a phenomenal feedback loop that only amplifies and strengthens your marriage.
15. Documenting our life & the magical in the mundane
I hadn’t thought to include this one until Leanne pointed it out as something unique about our marriage but something we’d encourage all couples to do, regardless of your talents with a camera. (You do, at least, need to own a phone though.)
Take lots and lots of photos and videos of your life.
Not just the magical moments (vacations, achievements), but the mundane ones too (a lazy night on the couch, visiting your in-laws, taking the dog for a walk).
Here’s the scariest part of marriage and life: It’s going to be over sooner than you’d like. And we, as humans, absolutely suck at getting caught up in the minutia of life and forgetting just how incredible it all is.
If you’re lucky, the life you’re living today is possibly the life you once (not that long ago) dreamt and prayed would be yours. I know that has certainly been the case for us.
Document this life. Even if you don’t really know what you’re going to do with all of these photos and videos yet.
We live in the absolute golden age of documenting everything—and while that has some cons, I’m going to say the pros outweigh them a thousand-fold.
Your marriage, and your life, is an absolute blessing. Looking back on photos you took of your “boring” life will help you realize just how incredible it is. It will strengthen your marriage when you realize—again and again—how lucky you are to have each other.
Remember these moments. They’re never coming back.
