Why I Love Being a Dad (and Why, If You’re a Man, You Should Have Kids)
All my life, I knew I wanted to be a dad.
But that isn’t always the case, I’ve found. In fact, it’s pretty rare (in my experience) that a guy has a major life goal to become a father.
I’ve also met plenty of men who are very on the fence about becoming a dad. Isn’t it a ton of work? Doesn’t your marriage suffer? Don’t kids suck? Will I ever be able to watch football again?
I’m here to answer as many of those questions as I can in my pursuit to persuade you to start a family with your wife. If you’re really not sure you want kids, or have the perspective that they sort of suck, I beg you to give me the opportunity to change your mind—at least a little bit.
You with me? Cool. Let’s do this.
But before we can talk about having kids, we first need to identify the ideal context in which to start having kids.
The Best Situation for a Family
This is yet another opportunity to let you know that my Christian worldview is certainly going to impact the way I see the rest of what we’ll discuss today. Even if you don’t share that worldview, I encourage you to keep reading, because there still might be a handful of ideas that resonate with you anyways. I’ll be unapologetic in the way I speak because I believe this all with my whole heart.
With that out of the way:
I firmly believe the best situation for a family to begin is within the context of marriage between a man and a woman.
I am well aware how offensive that statement is to large groups of people. Please allow me to explain a little further.
The title of this particular section is “Best situation for a Family.” It was very carefully worded.
First: Best situation. Emphasis on “best”; not “perfect”, and certainly not “only”. There can absolutely be other situations for raising kids (single parenthood, shared custody), and those contexts may still bear the fruit of parenthood, but I firmly believe that these options are alternatives to the ideal situation: a husband, a wife, and the kids. I don’t know many people that would argue single parenting is easier or better than co-parenting with your spouse (living together, under the same roof, bound in marriage, lovingly). I firmly believe that kids need a mother and a father equally, and we (as a generation) place far too little value on the nuclear family in general. It’s my prayer that men would be less ashamed and reluctant to be fathers, but would instead charge into it head-first with passion and zeal. Kids need us to be men like this.
Second: Family. Having kids is about starting a family, and that goes hand-in-hand with what I just spoke about in the last paragraph. Kids need both parents in a loving home in order to have the best foundation in life, and if you are knowingly entertaining the idea of having kids with someone you aren’t serious about staying with (or are considering a sperm bank as a single parent), I really don’t recommend this.
Aren’t kids exhausting and demanding of your time? Absolutely. Even worse so if you try to do it solo, or with split custody, or with someone that might not stick around. For this reason, I strongly believe kids should be saved for a marriage that has been well established with a firm foundation underneath.
Are you condemning me for being divorced / sharing custody of my kids / starting a family without being married / not fitting into your view of what a family should be? No. Hard no. I am not here to point a finger at anyone; I’m trying to point towards what I believe to be optimal. Kids aren’t easy, and I believe (starting a family outside of my suggestions) you are going to face challenges that parents who waited until they’d formed an established marriage are not going to face. Of course, your mileage may vary, and I do not anticipate this to be a popular opinion. That’s ok with me. But this is what I’ve found to be true in my own experience, so take it for what you will. You are not being forced to abide by my recommendations!
Before you keep reading:
All of my experience and recommendations are completely a product of the context in which I’ve started a family: with my wife after a couple years of building our marriage. You have to read everything through that lens. I have not polled 10,000 men across North America for their opinion. This is just one guy’s limited experience; but it has been prepared and presented thoughtfully. I still think it’s of considerable value to most men.
While you can read this if you’re a woman, I am writing this with the intent that men would read it (although I fully realize I’ve written nearly 800 words and not even gotten to my main arguments yet, so the chances of any man reading this are dwindling quickly).
If you are a man who is serious about loving his wife and staying married to her for the longterm, I can offer you a lot of perspective. Outside of that, I can only recommend so much to you. You might still get something out of this, but I make no promises.
Kids are a Blessing
I realize I have almost started this blog like 5 times and keep interrupting myself with yet another important caveat, but I’m going to do it one last time because it underlies the manner in which we’re going to have this conversation.
Having children is an incredible gift from God. Many parents want kids and are unable to do so. Many parents didn’t want kids and got them anyways. Many parents fall somewhere in between. But no matter the challenges that raising a family might bring anyone, I refuse to address the topic of children from any other angle than the blessing they will be to you.
Will they be difficult to raise? Absolutely. Will you find out many of your flaws and faults and failures? Undoubtedly! But will your kids enrich your life beyond measure and give you an entirely new depth and meaning to your existence? Absolutely.
We need to stop talking about kids like they are this giant inconvenience to our individuality, and instead regard them for what they are: a gift.
If you don’t share this view of kids, I hope to change your mind by the end of this (or at least give you something to chew on). But I refuse to ever speak about my kids as though they are more trouble than they are worth. I can appreciate the jokes you’ll hear on tv shows about how exhausting it is to be a parent, but I can only laugh at so many of those before it scares me that “a nuisance” is the only thing people feel about kids.
My kids have changed my life and given it an entirely new meaning. I believe yours will do the same to you, if you are willing and receptive. But if you’re a grumpy dude who hates kids and won’t even contemplate changing that perspective, don’t bother continuing to read.
I should clarify: having kids will give you the opportunity to have a better life, but it is far from a guarantee. I’ve seen plenty of messed up dudes who are dads. It doesn’t promise making you a better person. But if you’re willing to put the work in, I think you’re going to find that the rewards far outweigh the cons, and having kids is something that you benefit from as much as they might benefit from you being their dad.
Get to Know the Hennebrys
Before I can actually dive into why I love my kids, I need to introduce you to the people I’ll be referencing.
First: my wife
Leanne is the reason I am a father, and the reason that parenting is so fun. She balances me out really well and I think the two of us, together, make a killer team. I’m uptight and she’s laidback. She’s fun and I’m serious. She’s great at all the domestic stuff (laundry, cooking) and I’m great at… actually not a whole lot lol. I need her probably more than she needs me. That part of the stereotype may be true.
Part of the reason I love being a dad is because it brings me closer to my wife. We have faced and conquered entirely new challenges since becoming parents. We’ve learned more about each other and more about our marriage in the process. We’ve completely switched roles from time to time where I’m laidback and she’s uptight, or I’m tackling dishes and cooking and bedtime and she’s the one working or taking on another responsibility.
It would be a mistake to go on about my kids without first acknowledging the reason I am a father in the first place. My wife enables me to be the dad I am, and I am deeply grateful to have chosen such a phenomenal partner to endeavour life with.
Second: my kids
As of the time of writing this, I’ve got 2 fantastic kiddos. We debate a third, but after not only one but two miscarriages last year, we’re just not sure what the future holds for us, quantity-wise. But if we stop at these two, I will still be the luckiest man in the world.
Here are my kids.
Meet Leo
Leo is our firstborn. He’s 4 years old at the time of me writing this. He doesn’t talk yet (we’re seeing a ton of specialists to try to help us determine why), but he is still quite an expressive little guy. We like to say he communicates “manually”, meaning he will bring you what he wants or bring you to what he wants. He can’t hide what makes him excited and giddy, and we love seeing him light up when doing something he enjoys. One of the things Leo loves most: his little sister Betty. He is an excellent cuddler, great wrestler, tickle maniac, smart, cheeky, patient kid. I love him with my whole heart.
Meet Betty
Betty is our youngest. She is 2 and was born just before COVID hit the world. She doesn’t talk either, although she shows a lot more interest in sounds and mimicking, so we’re hopeful that she’ll want to try talking sooner than later. She’s got a handful of words but that’s it speech-wise right now. Betty is hilarious. She is a little firecracker, and she’s not as good of a cuddler as her brother because she’s always wired with energy (although, in fairness, she is rapidly improving her cuddle game as she matures). She loves music and dancing, and she has recently deepened both the sweet and sassy sides of her personality. She makes every day brighter, and we are so lucky to be her parents.
Acknowledging our Heaven Babies
I referenced 2 miscarriages up above, but we’ve had 3 total in our marriage. Each one of these babies were devastating to lose, and Leanne and I each take turns crying about them from time to time. While these little ones are not a part of our lives here on earth, we are confident God is looking after them until we can get to Heaven.
Poppy, our first pregnancy and our baby before Leo, was lost at 8 weeks in 2019.
August, our fourth pregnancy and our baby after Betty, was lost at 15 weeks in 2021.
Blue, our fifth pregnancy and our baby after August, was lost at 13 weeks at the very end of 2021.
We wish we could’ve known these beautiful babies better, but are grateful for the few weeks of life we had with them. Their ultrasounds are photos (and video) we cherish deeply. We think of these 3 regularly.
How Being a Dad Will make Your Life Better
Now, I don’t really believe that you should become a dad for all the ways it will enrich your life, but I am living proof that it does, in fact, come with a whole bunch of perks that earn me a net positive.
Here are the reasons I believe being a dad will make your life a whole lot better:
1. It brings me closer to my wife
I dipped into this section a bit when introducing Leanne, but deepening my connection to my wife is a gigantic benefit to having kids.
And even as I type that, I can hear the symphony of outcries. Don’t marriages fail because kids are hard on a marriage?
I mean, sure. Many do. But yours doesn’t have to. And I believe that if you follow my advice for the foundation of starting a family, you’re going to be on a much better path to having kids improve your marriage; not ruin it.
Make no mistake: parenting is hard! I’ve only been a parent for 4 short years and I know that. But it’s a challenge my wife and I face together, and nothing unites people quite like taking on a challenge and succeeding. There are times in our marriage where we need to divide and conquer the challenge in front of us, and there are other times we need to grab each other’s hand and pull the other through it.
When you have a human being who is living through so many of the exact same challenges you’re facing (with the exact same kids, in the exact same home), you’re bound to become closer to them.
Again: am I promising that your marriage is going to get infinitely better because you had kids? Not at all. But it has the opportunity to. Mine certainly did.
2. An opportunity to become less selfish
One of my biggest gripes with society today (I recognize I’ve already aired a number of them, but just hear me out) is how selfish we are all encouraged to be. Down to overriding scientific fact in place of feelings, we’re told that whatever we want to do or say about ourselves is true, and everyone around us ought to accept that or else it’s hate speech and you’re facing prison time.
It’s madness to me, and I think this overly selfish approach to life (where we are our own judge and jury) is going to leave you feeling hollow at the end, and your life will feel void of meaning if you don’t adopt a different way of living.
Having kids gives you almost no choice but to be less selfish. You will have to wake up when you don’t want to. You will have to complicate your weekday morning routine to accommodate them. You will have to buy them groceries. You will have to do their laundry, wipe their butts, read their books, watch their movies, play with their toys. All of these are wonderful opportunities to stop thinking about yourself so damn much.
I firmly believe that looking outward more often than we look inward (to our own desires and dreams and thoughts) will lead us to be infinitely better people. It will deepen our life’s purpose, and allow you to get a better perspective on your older way of life.
3. You become more of a man
What is the definition of “A Man” anymore? Society certainly has an opinion, but here’s mine:
A Man is a man who provides for his family before he worries about his own wellbeing. A Man cherishes his wife, honours her, loves on her unequivocally, knowing if he is the head of the household, she is the neck. A Man makes the difficult decisions he needs to in order to protect his family and each person within it. A Man is the do-er of difficult, gross, and inconvenient things: like fixing the leaking dishwasher, cleaning up vomit and diarrhea in the baby’s crib, and taking out the garbage and recycling every week. A Man gets down on the carpet and wrestles with his kids, knowing he needs to stimulate and nurture their strength and silliness. A Man demonstrates wisdom in questionable decisions, opting for integrity over ease, even if he and his wife are the only two who will ever know. A Man’s life is full of the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. A Man is glad in all things for he knows joy is not a feeling but a choice. A Man lays down his life for his family in every way, every day.
Being a dad will make you more of a Man. And, with all my heart, I believe we need more men that resemble the above than whatever society deems a “Man” is today.
4. You become more of a kid
As much as I believe men need to be more of the Man I described above, I also think some of us have a tendency of being way too serious and not-at-all playful enough like we ought to be.
For how seriously I take every word I’ve written here, I think we need to get a lot better at relaxing, throwing out our concern for what people think, and be the silly dads that connect with our kids in a way words cannot describe.
When we’re willing to run around Walmart having a sword fight, or willing to let our daughter paint our nails, or willing to build blanket forts in the kids’ bedroom, you become more of the dad that your kids need you to be. You lay a foundation of a relationship with them that is going to serve you well as they grow and become smarter (at an alarming rate, might I add).
Earning the trust of your kids from a very young age is something you cannot underestimate. It’s one of the reasons I think it’s so beneficial to be intentional about starting a family with your wife, and being in the picture from before conception.
Can a step-dad enter the picture and make up for lost time? Of course. My dad did that. But it’s not an ideal situation to be in, and it takes a considerable Man to be able to pull it off. I’m very blessed that my dad is one of those rare Men I’m describing here.
5. Life’s meaning and purpose
I know that I am running the risk of elevating having kids to an unreasonable level. That’s not my goal. But maybe by sternly and passionately defending the privilege of having kids and becoming a father, you may experience a slight nudge on the scale in my favour.
Prior to having kids, it’s not like my life was void of meaning and purpose, but after having kids, that meaning and purpose has certainly been refined into a much simpler list.
Nowadays, my meaning and purpose can be summarized in one really beautiful sentence:
Provide the best possible life for my wife and kids that I can give them.
It’s really that simple.
Quick aside here: As a Christian, of course my ultimate meaning and purpose in life is to live faithfully in service to Jesus Christ, and to spread the message of the Gospel to the ends of the earth. I don’t really consider this as part of “my list of priorities” because it is the list itself. It is the paper and pen and brainpower that went into creating my list of priorities. In essence: it exists so far above, below, around, and through my desire to provide for my family that, for the sake of ease, I rarely speak of it in the same manner. Serving God and providing for my family are two things that cannot be equated, and yet in many ways they are the same thing. Anyways, just recognize that my ultimate goal in life is commitment to Jesus Christ.
When you have kids, you are especially reminded that there is so much more to life than just building the biggest career you can and getting drunk with your friends on the weekends.
Maybe not for everyone, but my “me time” after work and on weekends has been greatly shaped in ways that prioritizes my family in a manner that I never had prior to having a family (well obviously, duh, you didn’t have a family until you had a family, dude).
Is this to say I never have “me” time that is entirely selfish and focused on what I want to do? hahaha No. This entire website (and my long list of hobbies) is a testament to how much me time I am still able to have in light of having a family. You just have to be a bit craftier about scheduling it, and a bit more accepting of the fact that you will have to prioritize your life more than you did prior to having kids.
6. Full human experience
You can do a lot of cool things in life: you can go skydiving, write a novel, drive a car, swim in the ocean, fall in love, play guitar, collect typewriters.
But one of the coolest things anyone can ever do is have kids. Think about the cosmic powers at hand to have sex with someone and create a human life that didn’t exist before. Huh?? I have 2 of those kids (and have made 3 more heaven babies with Leanne) and that fact still dumbfounds me.
There is nothing quite like discovering the moment you are pregnant. For some people it’s a pleasurable experience; others terrifying; to some it feels like a punishment; and others, an answer to prayer. No matter what it’s like for you, it’s an emotional experience, and the longer you get to think about the fact that you’ve created a life, the more it messes with you.
Again, this reason starts to teeter on a selfish reason to have kids (so I can feel like I’ve experienced a full life), but I still recommend it for all of the above reasons. In some ways, who cares if you have kids for selfish reasons if it’ll eventually catch up to you and your script will flip?
7. The personal growth and development I’ve faced as a person
For anything I haven’t talked about yet, the personal growth and development I’ve experienced because I became a dad is second to none. In some ways, the transition from dating to marriage felt less abrupt than the transition from a couple to parents.
You and your spouse will absolutely be pushed to your limits from time to time as parents, but if you’re smart about how you approach it, it’ll be an opportunity for the two of you to come out better on the other side.
I think it would be fair to say I’m a very different person today than I was 4 years ago before I became a dad. I think (or at least hope) I better exemplify many of the things I’ve discussed in this list so far. You’d have to ask Leanne though if that’s true.
If elements of my personality haven’t changed, I know that my heart has certainly changed. I feel like a different person than I was, and I hope that the rest of my life continues to make me a better person too; not for the sake of being a better person, but for the sake of being more like the Man that Jesus calls me to be.
Now that you’ve got a bit of a glimpse into why I think you ought to seriously consider becoming a father, here are a handful of my favourite things about being a dad that range from seriously subjective and ridiculous to entirely objective and sentimental.
My Favourite Things as a Dad:
1. My minivan
I am entirely convinced that the only people who make fun of minivans are the people who’ve never owned one. I know, because I used to be one of those people.
And then I got a minivan.
Our first car was a hatchback, and we sold that puppy just weeks before we had Leo. We upgraded to a small SUV and, eventually with 2 kids and a dog, that thing felt really small. We upgraded once more to a minivan almost a year and a half ago, and I will not give up owning a minivan for years to come.
Even if we stop at 2 kids, having a gigantic trunk is so, so convenient. Going anywhere overnight can often mean 1-2 Pack ‘n’ Plays, a suitcase full of clothes (kids need multiple backup outfits and Leanne and I also need clothes), diapers, snacks, toys: you name it. Even in a generously sized SUV, that space gets eaten up in a hurry. (I forgot to mention: the dog has to go somewhere too.)
Our minivan has all the bells and whistles we could’ve hoped for (a giant perk but not anything we insisted upon… I think) and I don’t care if it earns me zero street cred anymore. Who am I trying to impress? They’re already in the minivan with me. Jokes on you.
Minivans are like Crocs: once you get some, you understand why form follows function.
Mock me all you want. I love my dad-mobile. My Van-borghini.
2. Seeing my kids have big reactions to things
Especially as a father to two kids that are (currently, anyways) nonverbal, it’s a really fascinating thing to try to understand what goes on in their heads. Some days it hurts your heart a little bit to not know better than you do, but there’s little use dwelling on sadness.
When my kiddos find something they love—like really, really love—it lights up their whole face. Usually they start dancing, getting our attention to show us, running, jumping: it’s something that is so exciting to us as parents.
Finding that thing they’re excited about, and participating in it with them, is otherworldly. I anticipate this joy will continue to grow as our kids develop expanded interests and are able to better communicate with us. We can’t wait.
These days, the kids love Disney’s Encanto, when dad plays guitar really loudly in the living room (to incite a dance party), wrestling on the bed, swimming in the pool, playing with ride-on toys in the backyard, reading books, hiding underneath blankets, and running around in the dark in their bedrooms.
3. When my son hugs me or my daughter smooches me
As I said, two nonverbal kids means whatever communication they do have with us is that much more meaningful.
We haven’t heard our kids tell us, “I love you, Mom!” or “I love you, Dad!”, so when they show us that they love us, it is something that just melts your heart and makes you forget about all of the tantrums and sleeplessness that preluded the tender moment. There’s also been a handful of times it’s reduced us to a small puddle. Having kids will make you softer.
An unprovoked snuggle or smooch makes us feel valued as parents, and I think that’s what most parents are looking for more than anything—even if we don’t always realize it.
4. When my kids love on each other
Ok—this one is vein with the last one, but it’s (in some ways) an even more special event to witness.
Once more, especially with two nonverbal kids, to see them connecting with each other and enjoying each other’s company, it makes you openly weep because it’s just so special. Honestly.
I think every parent prays that their kids will get along (at least at some stage). It isn’t a guarantee (believe me). So to witness the moments when Betty will run up to Leo, hug him, and he will hug her back, or when Betty reaches for his hand in the car and Leo reaches back (and they just drive along in the car holding hands for no particular reason), it is such an unbelievable feeling as a parent.
My goal is to only really interfere with my kids’ relationship with each other to the extent that I ensure it is a good relationship, at least for as long as I can influence it. It starts young: not letting your kids disrespect each other, or getting away with harassing each other to the point that they harbour bitterness, or being rude to each other and stealing toys or attention. I personally don’t think it’s ever really too early to try to monitor this behaviour in your kids and moderate it when you can.
By no means do I have this all figured out, and I am blessed that my kids appear to be predisposed to enjoying each other’s company, but as parents, we want to guarantee it will remain this way for as long as we can.
5. Dad jokes
Hahahahahaha. I have been making stupid, punny, awful dad jokes loooooong before I became a parent, so now I at least have a justification for my awful puns. When another dad makes a dad joke, I am all in on it. Dad jokes are under-appreciated, but many of the best things in life are, soooooooo...
6. Getting out of stuff
Extroverts need not bother with this one.
I am a homebody. I like hanging out at home. Every home I’ve lived in has always felt incredibly comforting and fun and cozy to me, which I know many people cannot say. Incidentally, most of my hobbies are also pretty individualistic, so being at home means being able to enjoy those hobbies (like writing a blog).
Having a wife and kids means I have the ultimate reason not to go out and do something I don’t want to do. And once in a while, I’ll take full advantage of that excuse.
To console anyone that might be worried, in the past, I’ve just blown them off instead of having a legitimate excuse not to do something: I have been working a lot harder to just be honest about what I do or do not want to commit to rather than lying about being unable to do something. But occasionally I will confess that I’ll tell a small fib if it means sparing someone’s feelings. Father, forgive me.
7. Roughhousing
Oh man. I love getting down I the ground with my kids and just wrestling them. Being a dad, this responsibility tends to get delegated to me. I don’t mind. Usually I have some of my own pent up monkey energy I need to get out anyways, so we all benefit (and Leanne is almost always due for a break).
Depending on what room of the house we’re in, I’ve got a whole slew games that I play with the kids. They range from running laps through the house, hiding under blankets, tickling, wrestling, acrobatics, chasing, hiding, playing in the dark, running from mommy, climbing stuff, jumping off of stuff.
Kids need to be given the opportunity to exercise their strength from time to time, and I love being the parent that gets to play with them when they do it. I enjoy it as much as they do (until my energy is depleted. Then the game is trying to distract them long enough to give me a moment to catch my breath).
I could go on about the perks that come along with being a dad, but this list is a pretty good start. You’ll find your own may vary, and that’s part of the beauty of fatherhood.
If you’re a fence-sitter about becoming a dad, best case scenario right now is that I’ve got you picturing some of these things for yourself and maybe considering them a little more seriously.
I wouldn’t be shocked to learn there also might be a little bit of remaining fear or nervousness about the endeavour. Totally reasonable.
If You’re Nervous About Being a Dad
Here’s what I’d tell you if you’re still a little afraid of becoming a dad (it’s ok: I won’t tell anyone).
1. You will never be fully ready to start a family
Sometime during our pre-marital counselling (I think), our pastor told Leanne and I that there are 2 primary things in life you’ll never be fully ready for, and you should just jump in and do as soon as it starts to feel right: getting married, and having kids.
This was particularly consoling to me as a 20 year old who knew I was ready to get married but felt the hope-he-knows-what-he’s-doing energy from some of the close people around me. But when it came time for Leanne and I to start a family after a few years of marriage (turns out I did know what I was doing), that same little piece of advice brought me a lot more peace as well.
You can always use the excuse “We’ll have kids when we have a little more money in the bank” or “We’ll start trying after this other excuse is complete.” Of course, there are better times than others to bring kids in to the equation. But it’ll never feel 100%, so stop holding out for that and just go for it if you’re in the 80th percentile as a couple.
2. It’s not as hard as it looks
I mean, to be a great dad, it probably really is. But if you consider all the dads from the 1950s who played lawn darts with their kids with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth while applying a coat of lead paint to the house, you gotta realize you’re at an advantage to be parenting in this decade.
What I really mean by this title is, “If you’re aware of wanting to do a good job, you’re significantly ahead of the pack of dads who are winging it with their mind on their Fantasy Football team more times than not.”
If you love on your kids (in the way they respond to, not necessarily the way you want to love them), read to them every night, get down on the floor once a day to wrestle them, you pray for them, you are involved in their development/growth/milestones, you learn the art of changing a diaper, you can pick out an outfit for the day: you are going to be ok.
3. Don’t give up on your marriage
One of the most common concerns I hear from dudes who are not into the idea of being a dad is that they’re actually super passionate about their wife/marriage, and don’t want to introduce anything that might put it at risk.
This is a very valid concern, and I’ve seen what happens to a marriage when a kid enters a family with a ton of individual needs that can be very demanding on a parent, but you have to understand this is not the norm, and there’s always a way to still prioritize your marriage while raising kids like this.
Eventually, if everything goes according to plan, one day (sooner than you think), you’re going to be empty-nesters with no kids living with you. I don’t know if it’s a statistic or anecdote that this is when a lot of divorces happen (you know, stay together for the kids and all), but I don’t have a hard time believing that it could be true.
Scheduling date nights with your wife, even when your kids are young and it might be little more than eating fast food in your minivan (☠️ Minivan Gang ☠️), is super important. No matter what your modified date night looks like, make it something you can’t live without.
Your first calling as a dad is to love your kids’ mother with all your heart, and to serve and honour her in everything you do. Date nights are not selfish (as long as they couldn’t be classified as excessive). You are a better father when you make time for your wife.
4. You will eventually get your personal life back
If it’s not the marriage a guy is concerned about, it’s probably the personal life. Again—it makes sense to me, and I’d say it’s a valid concern. Guys want to know that they aren’t giving up all of their hobbies and interests and hangouts with buddies to become a dad. These things are what make up a large part of our identity.
Know this: for a time, you will be giving up some of your personal time. It’s a fact.
(As a quick aside, I’d argue that you’ll soon realize you’re not so much “giving something up” as you are “trading in my old, lame hobby for time spent doing something incredibly more meaningful and valuable.” But that’s sort of besides the point. You don’t have to believe that’s true.)
But, eventually, you will get your personal life back. It doesn’t take as long as you might think. It creeps in, and I’d say once your kid is two years old, it’s pretty easy to have a rotation of babysitters so you can go out as often as you can afford it (if going out is your thing). It’s also a lot easier to trade off with your spouse when one of you wants to do something that’s a personal indulgence.
It gets easier, and it will happen quicker than you think it will. Do not fret losing everything that is currently important to you. If it’s important to you, you will find a way to bring it back into your life sooner than later.
5. You will survive on little sleep
Before we had kids, Leanne was a woman (I say this with love) who did not do very well on little sleep. Something like one year into our marriage, I told her I was no longer going to be responsible for waking her up in the morning (I’d be the one to set the alarm clock) because she was grumpy and directed that anger towards me. Our marriage improved when her wake up became her sole responsibility, but anyways. (I can tell this story because she doesn’t read my blog. Ha!)
That very same Leanne quickly became a different person when she became a mom. The multiple feedings throughout the night were something she figured out pretty quickly, and even with little cat naps from time to time, I’d say she still absolutely crushed taking on a day with very little sleep from the night before.
It’s an instinctual thing. Your body just knows what it has to do, and it adapts. We don’t even drink coffee or tea, and at the time we didn’t drink a ton of pop either, so it wasn’t really like we were relying on external stimulants (like caffeine) to help us get through.
I can’t really explain it. You will survive on little sleep. And if you’re a dad, I would strong encourage you (at least for the first few weeks with your firstborn) to get up throughout the night with your wife in case she needs help changing diapers or getting situated. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding makes no difference: feeding a grumpy newborn when you’re groggy is a difficult job for any first time parent. Tackle the new challenge together. Be a good husband and help. When she finds her rhythm, you will probably trade off nights for naps.
A cruel fact of life that men still get the better end of the deal even here. Don’t be a complainer, or you deserve all the ridicule you might (should) receive.
6. Sleep train your kids
Holy man I can’t stress this one enough.
That sleeplessness of a newborn I described in the last paragraph doesn’t have to last longer than 6 months. At that point, it’s safe to start sleep training your baby. This goes hand-in-hand with nap training, which also makes your days easier in addition to your nights.
Your baby will be a better baby when they learn how to sleep train.
Do not be soft. It is a difficult endeavour. It is not easy. It requires toughing it out. You will hate it more than your baby will the first 3 nights. But within a week, the vast majority of kids have it down pat, and you will all feel so much more refreshed and human again when you get back to a normal sleep schedule after months of having it be wild and off the charts.
There are a whole bunch of inexpensive courses online that you can enrol in to change your life. Do it. Message me privately if you need a recommendation (it’s late at the time I’m writing this and I can’t be bothered to look up our particular instructor).
7. Plenty of men—less qualified than you—have done it successfully
This principle bears repeating, and it’s one of the biggest takeaways I want you to have from reading this blog (and if you’ve actually made it this far, bravo. This blog is lengthy).
Fatherhood is a journey and not a destination. You will never arrive at being the perfect dad. You will always need to improve and work on yourself. Don’t take your shortcomings as reasons to quit. Use them as motivations to persevere.
Plenty of guys out there have been thrust into fatherhood with far less preparation and experience than you might if you’re researching it by reading this.
I firmly believe that if you want to be a good dad, you will be so much more likely to make it happen, and you ought to do it.
In Conclusion
None of these things are guarantees. I am only one dad with one wife and two kids, and my limited experience could easily be questioned and disqualified.
But everything I have spoken here is true, and I have gone over this a number of times to try to avoid exaggeration anywhere I can.
I don’t want you to think I’m making promises I can’t keep. I’m not you, and my kids aren’t your (potential) kids, so everyone’s mileage is going to vary here.
But I firmly believe you hold an opportunity in your hands if you want to go after it, and that none of the hardships that (can) accompany fatherhood are reason enough to reject the possibility of becoming a father.
As I said earlier, I am a completely different man because I am a father, and I am happier with myself today than I ever have been.
Next to my wife, my kids are the most important thing in my world. Not because of obligation, but because of joy. Don’t miss your chance to find that same purpose so many other dads have found before you. This life is too short.
Kids will enrich your life and you will realize that you are so much better off for having them. But it’s not really about you: it’s about them. But don’t worry; you’ll learn.
