How to Argue & Apologize Like an Adult
I’ve been in my fair number of fights with people. I’ve been told I can be confrontational at times. I don’t love this reputation when the attached connotation is implying I’m aggressive or overly mouthy. But I do like when it is meant to say I’m direct and I address when things aren’t sitting right.
But—no matter whether you’re a confrontational person or a really passive person, I think it’s absolutely vital that we all learn to fight and make up like grown ups. Far too few people that I’ve met know how to do both properly.
And I’m not saying I’m perfect at it either. If I were a perfect person, I would never have conflict! But because none of us are achieving that, we should learn how to properly sort through disagreement between two or more people.
My steps below aren’t the be-all-end-all of arguing. I’ve only been on this earth for a mere 28 years. I still have plenty to learn. But here’s what I’ve got so far, and I hope it might help you see things differently, or at least recognize that disagreement does not have to mean divorce.
Why Argue Properly?
I’m going to argue (ha!) there are a few reasons why it’s important to take on the challenge of learning how to argue properly in the first place:
Conflict is an unavoidable part of life. Again, I don’t care who you are, you aren’t perfect. And even if you are, the people around you certainly aren’t. Sooner than later, you’re going to get into some sort of fight, and if you’re a human with a pulse, you probably want conflict to end as soon as possible. Knowing how to work thought it will help you with that.
Few people argue properly. And make no mistake: for much of my life, I’ve been one of them. But I really disagree with the philosophy that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. At least not one that isn’t willing to learn. If you are up to the challenge of learning how to have a proper argument, I believe you’re going to naturally impart the proper process to others. They will notice there’s something different about you (that they can argue with you and eventually move past it). They will want to know how you do that, and that’s when you send them a link to this blog!
Dealing with conflict will make you happier. Who doesn’t want to be happier? When you realize it’s entire possible—and not all that difficult once you’ve figured out a framework—to resolve conflict, you’re going to feel less stress about disagreeing with people. And because of #1, you will live daily life happier than you did before you knew how to talk through uncomfortable situations.
Resolving conflict makes you more mature. I’ve never seen someone I regard as wise or worthy of modelling my life after who wasn’t able to resolve conflict. In fact, most of what I believe makes a person wise is their way to navigate conflict: whether that be conflict of philosophy, of theology, of sociology, or any other -ology or -osophy. Children bicker and fight because they don’t know how to express themselves and listen to others express themselves. Adults ought to, despite the fact that many don’t. You will be a better person for dealing with conflict efficiently.
Addressing conflict will manifest in less confrontation. I believe you will attract people with whom you can disagree and still maintain a relationship, and you will repel people who see you merely as aggressive or mouthy. If the people around you can also deal with conflict efficiently, you will naturally have less of the type of conflict that stresses you out, causes anxiety, and causes you to be unhappy and immature. Conversely to all of this, you may attract more people who like confrontation, so your mileage may vary. I can only help you so much.
Why is Apologizing Necessary?
If you’ve been with me up until this point but you’re thinking, “I’d like to learn how to argue better but I don’t need to learn how to apologize to anyone” I’m going to tell you that you’re either:
Going to have to change your mind about apologizing, or
You’re never going to learn how to argue properly because of your arrogance.
If you can’t stomach the idea of apologizing—even if something isn’t primarily or at all your fault—you aren’t mature enough to argue like an adult.
Sorry. I said it. If that offends you, sayonara. You can’t be helped and I don’t care to try.
Apologizing is absolutely vital to the process of arguing. It is the mouth leading the heart, that when you apologize with your mouth, your heart eventually learns to follow suit. You will slowly begin to believe the words you’ve uttered.
Backing up, here’s what happens when we start arguing:
When we’ve gotten ourselves into a conflict with someone, all we can think about is our own perspective: how upset we are, how deeply we’ve been wronged, how offensive the other person is. What we fail to realize in this situation is we have almost always also caused upset, wronging, and offence in the other person as well. I’m going to repeat that because it is absolutely pivotal to the argument process:
If you can’t believe you might have something to apologize for, your heart is not in the right place to argue like an adult, and you need to first learn to consider your own faults before you can consider becoming a mature arguer.
Apologizing is the verbal handshake at the end of a turbulent exchange of words and ideas. It is the recognition that both of you need to be better going forward, even if one of you needs it significantly more than the other.
Why is it Difficult to Argue & Apologize Like an Adult?
Arguing and apologizing like a grown up is tricky for quite a few reasons; some of them involving our past, the people we surround ourselves with, and who we might be without even realizing it. In my experience, these are the biggest reasons arguing and apologizing is far easier said than done:
We may have never been taught proper arguing procedure. Is it a parent’s responsibility to teach their kids how to argue? I’d say so. Parents should also model it. But I’ve seen some of the worst kids come from some of the best people, and vice versa. Sometimes, a parent can’t change their kid. All of this aside, some people have just never been taught how to argue. There’s actually very little use figuring out how or why.
We might not be primarily at fault. If an objective third party (who witnessed the argument and is impartial to both of you) can help adjudicate fault and declare you “not at fault” for the argument, you could rationally conclude you have no reason to apologize. In an argument though, I’m disagreeing with that—not to the degree that I’m saying it is right that we should apologize, but at least to the degree that it helps show the other person an earnestness to find reconciliation. I talk more about this in the next section.
Apologizing can feel like admitting wrongs we didn’t commit. Worse than just not being at fault, sometimes apologizing can feel like we’re volunteering to take on faults that aren’t ours. I think this walks a fine line: if we do this, it shows mercy to the other side to take on mistakes that weren’t ours, but it can also rob the other person of seeing the fuller picture, and how their actions really did contribute to the argument. But because of all of this, apologizing can be tough because we don’t feel responsible.
Apologizing can feel like weakness. More and more every single day, society teaches us to stand up for ourselves, to fight back against our oppressors, to let no one make us their doormat. In a perfect world: I’d be in favour of this mentality. But in a flawed world where we are prone to introducing human error into these absolute processes, I am against it. Because everyone around us teaches us to defend ourselves at all costs, apologizing can feel like becoming a doormat. I vehemently disagree, because I believe apologizing demonstrates maturity and mercy. But I digress (for now): the fact of the matter is, apologizing can feel like being a failure. This blog is my push-back.
Repeated offences shorten our fuses. Ever have someone who just has a talent for getting under your skin with one sentence? I do. And when we deal with repeated and frequent conflict with these people, it’s hard not to let these past instances colour our vision going forward. And is it bad that we eventually come to respond differently when someone repeatedly hurts us or causes argument? I don’t necessarily think so. But I think it’s a fine line that involves a lot of deliberation and discussion.
Apologizing can feel counterintuitive and unnatural. If you’re not someone in the habit of apologizing for anything, you’re going to be the deepest into discomfort when you try. But I urge you to stick with it. It gets better. I think a lot of people avoid apologizing because it just feels so wrong. How do we apologize properly? What constitutes a good apology? I’m going to attempt to address these questions later on in this blog, so keep reading.
We may be too proud. Going back a section here, I stated that you won’t be ready to argue properly if you have too much ego to even consider the idea you’re ever wrong. This is the easiest way to summarize all of the reasons arguing and apologizing are hard.
The Necessary Ingredients for Arguing Properly
In my opinion, you can only hope to get through a proper, adult argument and apology with the necessary ingredients or foundation of that argument. Without these things in place, it’s impossible to accomplish.
You must have the same goal of reconciliation. Hurt people hurt people. Keep that in mind anytime someone is upset. If you’ve argued and upset the other person to the degree that they feel deeply wronged and are not well-versed in proper argue etiquette, they aren’t thinking about reconciliation: they’re just focused on trying to hurt you. If this is the situation you find yourself in, try to address it. If there’s objective, repeated push-back on trying to actually reach a conclusion, you may ultimately need to cut ties and move on. This is an absolute last resort, so don’t default to this. In many ways, we’ve failed to argue like an adult if we have to default to this. But because we’re only responsible for our 50% of the argument, we can’t make the other person do anything with theirs that they don’t want to do.
Recognize you are also at fault. This is one of the reasons why apologizing is a non-negotiable. You need to see that in some small way, in 99.99% of arguments, you are somehow responsible for some small thing; be that 1% of the argument at hand or 99% of the argument at hand. If you can’t get on board with apologizing, as I’ve said already many times: close this tab and enjoy the rest of your life.
If these two ingredients exist in the argument, you can move onto the next stage of actually engaging in arguing properly.
The Techniques of Arguing & Apologizing Like an Adult
If you’re already knee-deep in an argument, your process through this stuff may be a little different. But if you’re prepping now for future arguments, you might be better off. Either way, dig in.
Lead by example. In everything we’re about to discuss, you can’t be waiting for the other person to start doing it first. Take the argument by the horns and do it first. Not so you can brag about how holy you are, but so you can actually begin solving the problem.
Do things face to face. Meet in person over coffee or sit in your car in a parking lot if that’s your only option. But don’t do things via email, via text, or via any other third party. If you can’t get together in person, you should opt for a video call as your next option (though a distant second from face to face). If video calling isn’t an option, a phone call is almost the same. The point is: we will be less courteous, more aggressive, and be more prone to cherry picking if we don’t do things in a more direct way. People will sometimes resort away from this by saying they feel more comfortable via written word. Almost never is this worth granting in my experience. You will eventually regret it.
Remove as much emotion as possible. Our feelings can creep up on us in a fight: we might not recognize the way we’re reacting has transition from being fact-based to being emotion-based. Our emotions in a given moment—from anger to disgust to embarrassment to shame—can steer our argument into uglier territory. The best way to begin correcting course is to try to see our emotional reactions and remove them from the conversation that happens onward.
Listen as much as you speak. The other thing that happens when our emotions start clouding our vision and they also start plugging our ears. We get so focused on making sure we air our frustrations that we forget the other person is trying to do the exact same thing. If we lead by example, removing emotion from the conversation, and listening just as often as we speak, we’re going to be well on our way to reconciliation.
Be patient. This goes hand-in-hand with listening as you speak. In fact, if you’re listening as often as you’re speaking, you’re probably already demonstrating patience. But I’m talking about taking it a step further: be patient in assuming the best of the other person’s intentions. This means when they say something offensive, even as you’re working towards the end of this fight, you’re going to give them the benefit of the doubt that you’ve misunderstood or they’ve poorly communicated what they mean. In addition to all of this, if you’ve insisted on doing this face to face with someone who didn’t want to, you need to understand that some people process slower than others. They need more time to think out their thoughts and formulate coherent sentences. Grant them that privilege. All of this leads us right into the next one:
Ask clarifying questions. When someone does say something offensive, instead of snapping back with something equally as offensive, use this as a time to practice the clarifying question technique. How does it work? Simple. When someone says something that comes across as offensive, you simply say, “To clarify, are you saying ‘______’?” and insert the way it came across. And you can (and should!) be direct when doing this. By using the clarifying question technique, you’re mirroring what you’re hearing to the person you’re arguing with, and giving them the opportunity to correct or modify what they said.
Whenever possible, actually say the words “I apologize for _____” when you should. This doesn’t need to be saved for the very end of the fight, and for best results, it should be sprinkled all throughout. Every apology de-escalates the fight by another level. In addition to simply apologizing, your apology should be as detailed and specific as possible about what you’re apologizing for. This utilizes the same technique as the clarifying question by mirroring back to the person the offence that you’re apologizing for. Being specific communicates that you actually know what it is you’re apologizing for, and why the other person is upset.
Ask for an apology of your own if you need to. While we’re leading by example, the whole “I apologize for _____” thing does not come naturally to everyone. I’m also a firm believer that it is necessary that both sides of the argument find things to apologize for; even if it’s nothing other than, “I’m sorry we miscommunicated and started arguing.” If you feel like there’s a particular sore-spot in this argument that needs addressing it hasn’t received, ask the other person if they would be willing to use the words, “I apologize for _____” for what you need to hear. If their goal is reconciliation, they should be willing to do this, even if it feels a little unnatural. Let them know how much it will mean to you, and how “yes it’s silly, but it will help me move on from this argument.” You’d be surprised.
Try to determine what should be done differently to avoid this same situation in the future. The whole point of working through an argument is the assumption that you’re going to continue having some form of interaction going forward. In order to learn the most you can from this experience, and to turn a negative into a positive, it’s a good idea to create “homework” for yourselves and try to shape your personalities going forward. If you’re going to have gone through the agony of fighting, you may as well get as much out of it on the way out.
This list of techniques is probably not exhaustive, but they’ll certainly set you up on the right track. Adapt, adjust, combine as much as you need to.
A Few Other Things to Consider
These aren’t as insistent as rules, but they are other considerations that may impact the success of arguing and apologizing like an adult.
Timing matters. If you try to work through an argument faster than the other person is prepared to do, you’re not going to succeed. As we’ve noted many times here, it takes two to tango, and while you can lead by example and be a little ahead, if you’re in two completely different emotional states, you’re fighting a losing battle. Give the other person time to cool off if they need it, but don’t let arguments go on too long if you can help it.
Location matters too. On top of timing, your location can contribute to your argument in different ways you might not be considering. If there’s a power imbalance in your argument (someone is someone’s boss or parent, for example), a location that is not neutral can make the “underdog” in the fight feel more vulnerable and more prone to arguing. If you need to change locations to get through to someone, don’t be too proud to suggest it.
Arguments can be circular before they are linear. Rarely will you work through an argument top to bottom by my techniques above. You will often find yourself looping around a handful of times as you progress out of the argument. This is ok, and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. Stick it out.
You can’t force someone to want reconciliation. You can do everything right here and still end up a loser if the other person isn’t ready to move on. Rid yourself of the responsibility and guilt of this, wish them well, and be on your way. But if this is a coworker or a family member with whom you are bound to cross paths, understand (and make them understand) that being unwilling to reconcile is going to make the fight worse by exponential measures.
Assume as little as possible. Do not think that being in similar arguments with other people will mean you already know how to talk your way through this one. Every person is different. And even every person will be different than they were in another context. For these reasons, err on the side of caution with clarifying questions about literally everything.
A Few Do Nots
We are well on our way to good, healthy arguments and apologies if you can employ everything I’ve mentioned so far. But to take it all one last (exhaustive) step further, here are a few things not to do as you’re working your way through an argument.
Argue for the sake of arguing. If you do fall on the side of being aggressive and mouthy, you can’t let this become part of why you’re doing it. Do not argue for argument’s sake. If it isn’t for you, arguing is stressful, confusing, deflating, embarrassing, and shameful for a lot of people. If you’re arguing with someone just to make a point, I don’t know why you’ve read this far lol. You are too egotistical to be told you’re wrong, and far too proud to apologize. If you’re here to have a fight because it’s something to do on a Friday night, you should be ashamed.
Intentionally hurt the other person. Listen: we all say things we don’t necessarily mean when we’re upset. That’s something I can live with. But when you start to recognize that this is an argument that should be dealt with properly, you’re making a grave mistake to continue hurting someone for the sake of getting equal or serving your own justice. Punishing the other person is never the goal. If they are good enough people, their conscience will take care of that enough for the both of you.
Think you have nothing to apologize for. I’ll say it again: we all have something to say “I’m sorry for _____” in a fight. If you actually enter the fight looking for what you did wrong, you’re well on your way to being the mature person I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.
Forget you are on the same team. Even if that team is just “mature arguers”. You don’t have to have the same opinions, the same personalities, the same philosophies, or the same worldviews. But you do need to recognize that if this person is someone worth actually working through an argument with, it should be you and them VS the problem, not you VS them.
Forget that this takes practice. No one learns how to be a good arguer overnight. But you don’t have to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago (or 15 minutes ago if you’ve just read through this blog top to bottom). Arguing like an adult is hard work; it’s unnatural; it’s counterintuitive. Those were some of the reasons we recognized in the beginning. But don’t give up! You can do this if you want to. Wanting to is half the battle.
In Summary
Arguing isn’t fun for most people. Even when you’re good at it, it can be a slog to go through. And just because you’re good at arguing with one particular person, doesn’t mean you’re going to be good at arguing with everyone.
Every situation is unique. No two fights are (likely) to be too alike. But the framework for how to get through them, I believe, is fairly bulletproof.
The biggest flaw with my system of arguments is that it requires the other person to be all-in on the same principles. I don’t have any success with mind control, so you’ll have to either lay out all your cards and tell them your goal of reconciliation, or you’ll just have to lead by example.
I don’t believe arguing and apologizing has to be something that’s unnatural for very long. I want you to remember this:
Our thoughts form our words. Our words form our actions. Our actions form our habits. Our habits form our character. Our character forms our destiny.
You are in control of your destiny based on how you choose to approach it.
Are you going to argue and apologize like a child, or like an adult? Only you can decide.
